Grief affects everyone differently. We all have different ways of mourning, handling something difficult, and suffering through loss.
Eventually, though, the feelings that accompany grief and loss ease and become less difficult to work through. For most people.
Complicated grief is different.
It occurs when the feelings of loss and emptiness don’t seem to subside, even after a lengthy period of time.
When you experience complicated grief, you're unable to move through the typical, healthy stages of the grieving process. In fact, those lingering feelings can be so strong and unceasing that they become debilitating and keep you from living a normal, healthy life.
Knowing what the common phases of grief look like can make it easier to notice the symptoms of unhealthy grieving.
What Are the Natural Grieving Phases?
Natural grieving styles vary depending upon your personality, cultural background and spiritual or existential beliefs. Some people cry for days at a time while others don’t show emotion. Still others throw themselves into work or other activities as a distraction. These coping patterns are not necessarily uncommon or unhealthy.
But, while each person’s mode of grieving is unique, there is also typically a “process” most people go through when struggling with loss.
According to psychologist J. William Worden, people tend to grieve in these stages:
Accepting the reality of the loss
Working through pain and grief
Adjusting to life without the deceased
Maintaining a connection with the deceased while moving on with life
While everyone has a different timeline for going through this journey—and it shouldn’t be rushed—complicated grief is often present when it takes more than a year for someone to get through the grieving process.
If it’s been over a year and you’re still struggling to accept the fact that you’ve lost a loved one, consider some of the several notable signs and symptoms that come with complicated grief.
What Are the Signs of Complicated Grief?
If your symptoms don’t start to subside or fade over time and instead stay the same or even get worse, you are probably dealing with complicated grief. And it may be time to seek out help.
Some of these signs and symptoms include:
Overwhelming sorrow and pain
Difficulty carrying out everyday routines
Depression
Guilt
Inability to accept the loss
Feeling life has no real meaning
Being consumed by the loss—can’t focus on anything else
Isolation from others
As stated above, the average time is about a year. But your focus shouldn't just be on the exact time. It should be more on your progress through the grief journey throughout that first year.
Of course, people experience symptoms of complicated grief at different times and with different levels of severity. And in complicated grief, peoples’ coping mechanisms may deteriorate. If you are drinking too much, if you are isolating, if you are not eating or eating too much, it stands to reason you are not coping well.
When complicated grief becomes severe, it can take over your entire life. You might have difficulty finding a reason to go on. Some people even begin to wish they had died along with their loved one. Unfortunately, at that point, thoughts of suicide may come into the picture.
When to Seek Treatment
If you see signs of complicated grief in yourself, if you are not coping well with them, or if you find yourself in a deep depression, it’s important to seek out the help of a therapist or counselor right away. By this time, the people in your support system may have gone back to their lives or are tired of listening to you. You don’t have to go it alone.
Feel free to contact me if you’re struggling with complicated grief. Together, we can work on more productive ways to cope and find meaning in your life once more.