Finding inner peace after a divorce can seem like a faraway destination for many people. You find yourself in a whirlwind of nasty emotions like fear, sadness, anger, shame, and even self-blame. You are on a journey often frought with feelings of helplessness and despair. It is important to take heart, however. It is possible to work through the dark times. And when you do you will be surprised to find joy, inner strength and courage you never knew you had. Here are three things you must do to heal from divorce:
Find the blessings in being alone.
Being alone after a divorce can be a very scary, isolating and lonely place. In fact, many people stay in the familiarity of a loveless marriage for years rather than face their fear of being alone. But when you learn to feel comfortable being alone, you get a gift: an ability to reflect on yourself and a feeling of empowerment, independence, peace, self-confidence and self-respect.
Cultivate positive self-talk. It’s better to say you can hear the sound of your own mind working than that you can’t stand the silence. It is better to tell yourself that strong, healthy people attract similar people than you must be in a relationship to feel acceptable. Despite what popular culture tells you, being part of a couple does not necessarily mean being happy. And if you can’t be by yourself, your relationships will likely be built on dependency.
Seek social support. There is much research now showing that people fare better emotionally, cognitively and physically if they have good support systems. Find a support group of other divorced people. Join a book club. Go to the gym. Accept invitations where you may meet an interesting friend. Get a hobby or develop yours more. If you are so inclined, get involved with a church, synagogue or spiritual institution of your choice.
Try something new. Maybe now is the time to take that course or yoga class you’ve been meaning to take, try a new form of exercise, travel, journal, write a memoir, have a new adventure.
Having your own life will give you a sense of security and will make all of your future relationships better.
Embrace your grief.
Your marriage is broken beyond repair. There is a lot you have lost, even if you are the one who left the marriage: your hopes and dreams when you first got married, your companion, bed partner, co-parent of your children or what might have been those things. You may have lost a home or custody of your children. You have a right to grieve. And grieve you should since pain that is not faced does not go away; it stays inside and eventually comes back to haunt you. When you have unresolved grief, it is difficult to get close to someone and hard to trust. But if you do your grief work in a self-affirming way you will come out a stronger, internally richer person who can make healthier choices for yourself.
According psychologist J. William Worden, people tend to grieve in these phases: 1) Accepting the reality of the loss 2) Working through the pain and grief 3) Adjusting to life without the lost ones 4) Reorganization, integration and acceptance.
Acknowledge the initial shock and disbelief you may have that your marriage is gone. Allow yourself to feel intensely and release any devastation, rumination about your ex-, confusion, disorganization, anger, guilt, anxiety, ambivalence, pining and sadness you may be feeling. Feeling pain after a breakup, even abject misery, is normal and natural. Being able to tolerate the feelings is a sign of strength. Eventually, you will adjust to life without your marriage. You may recycle through these three phases or experience them simultaneously before you are able to integrate and reorganize your life. Integrating means finding a new outlook, enjoying life again and living without pain or guilt. Integration means having new appreciation of yourself. It means giving yourself permission to love again.
Give yourself great self-care.
Divorce can be traumatic. No one is prepared. In order to heal from this time during this time it’s important to keep focused on your own life and be gentle on yourself.
Break up as gracefully as you can. Own your part in the divorce. Keep your head out of your ex’s life. Take care of basics like eating and sleeping right and exercising. Find a balance between asking friends for support and knowing you don’t have to explain everything. Find your tribe – this may be a support group, a therapy group, a sport or a hobby, for example. Build in time for yourself. Exercise self-compassion-- that is to say, forgive yourself, see your experience as common, keep perspective even in a situation that is negative, see yourself as your best friend.
Remember to keep your eye on the big picture. In the long run, going through this divorce is so you can have a happier, healthier and more satisfying life ahead.
When to get professional help.
Here are some signs that it’s time to get professional help:
If you can’t keep your mind out of negative self-talk and self-criticism
If you are withdrawing into a shell or hiding by running in plain sight
If you are feeling sad or depressed and your friends are tired of listening to your story
If your social supports are inadequate or absent
Dr. Ellen Carni is a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City specializing in divorce recovery. She can be reached at 212-721-2429 or drellenicarni@gmail.com.