You’ve got piles of paperwork do to, six phone calls to return, at least fifty emails to go through, an important client meeting this afternoon and just went through a brutal spar with your opposing counsel this morning. All in a day’s work? Got it all under control? Maybe not. Not if you snapped at your administrative assistant, have been short-tempered with your spouse and kids and your doctor told you your blood pressure is too high. You’re 43 years old, much too young to be at risk for a stroke or a heart attack.
Not seeing the signs of stress or denying them is not going to help. In fact, it will come back to haunt you. Unmanaged stress can ruin your well-being, make you act impetuously, and lead you to poor decisions for yourself and those around you. And you won’t get by using the high IQ that got you on the partnership track all this time. How, then, to manage? You are most likely to succeed using your EQ, your emotional intelligence.
First introduced in 1990 by psychology professors John Mayer and Peter Salovy, the concept of emotional intelligence gained wide popularity by psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman in his 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence. Although “emotional intelligence” has been in the public eye for twenty-five years, it has only recently gained traction in the legal profession with regard to lawyers’ well-being. (Journal of the American Bar Association October, 2017; Law Practice Today August, 2017 and October 2018; Journal of the International Bar Association June, 2019.)
Briefly, emotional intelligence consists of five components.
Self-awareness: knowing your internal states, preferences, resources and intuitions
Self-management: managing your internal states, impulses and resources
Social awareness: attunedness to others’ feelings, needs, and concerns
Relationship management: Adeptness at negotiating desirable emotional responses between you and others or others and others.
Communication skill: part of relationship management
Emotionally intelligent people are better able to recognize and understand the signs of stress and to manage their response to that stress. They perceive stressful situations with less fear. They recognize their stress response early on so they are better able to control it without consequence. They don’t allow their emotions to hijack their behavior. They have the self-confidence and composure to face unexpected change. High EQ people are prepared to take responsibility for their actions and not to blame their emotions or other people for outcomes.
So, is EQ something you are born with or something you can learn? The answer is “both”. While some people have an innate ability, everyone can practice behaviors that cultivate the emotional components of their intellect. The good news is that by developing these aspects of yourself you can lower stress and the likelihood of burnout.
Here are some guidelines:
Make some time for self-reflection. Think about how you are feeling and how you are reacting to situations and other people. Try to understand what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad, angry or frustrated. Acknowledge your negative feelings as well as your positive ones. You will be better equipped to recognize the triggers when emotions start rising and sabotaging your thought processes and to take action to prevent your emotions from running wild.
Set your intentions. Avoid the urge to make a to-do list and instead consider what you need to be more intentional about given what is on your schedule. “I need to remain calm,” “I need to provide clarity,” “I need to build understanding.”
Read the room. Notice your emotional environment. You can do this through intentional mindfulness, taking your intention off your phone or your computer, and tuning in to both the content and context of the group interaction.
Make an effort to connect. While it may feel counterintuitive, given your time constraints, connecting with others can save you time and angst in the long run. Greet and say goodbye to your staff and co-workers. Talk to your spouse and children. Apologize if you get out of hand or make a mistake. Nothing is more powerful or contagious than authentic humility and accountability. With every genuine conversation with someone on your team, you are building an assembly of people ready to help you, give you the benefit of the doubt and work hard on your behalf.
Practice self-care. Try not to over-caffeinate, skip sleep, lunch or your time in the gym. You are more likely to struggle with your emotions if you don’t take care of yourself.
Find something to be grateful for. When you feel overwhelmed or nothing seems to be going smoothly, it will help to find things you are grateful for. You have a roof over your head, you are in reasonably good health, you have a career worth cultivating or the good sense to get out when it’s not, and you have people who love you.
If you are having difficulty with these suggestions or feel that your situation is beyond being helped by them, it is probably time to seek professional help. Trained mental health professionals can assess and build your emotional intelligence while getting to the psychological roots of how and why you are burning the candle at both ends.
The American Bar Association, every state bar association, including Puerto Rico, and a few city bar associations (New York City and Chicago) have Lawyer Assistance Programs that provide resources. And many clinicians, like myself, are nowadays available by vehicles such as Skype or Zoom, as well as locally.
If you are determined to help yourself succeed in life, take advantage of my free 15-minute consultation and contact me with any of your questions or concerns.
Click here for more information on Counseling for Lawyer Stress.